While You're Down There…

I’ve just been chatting with Zeppo Bakunin about the Stainless Steel Rat’s Weasel’s call for all Australians – even the agnostics and atheists, I assume – to get down on their knees and pray for rain “without any sense of irony or any sense of being anything other than totally serious”. Comrade Bakunin was ahead of me on this one – he actually heard Howard say it, I only picked up on it from this morning’s respectable broadsheet.

Zeppo suggested – very quickly – a list of other things we ought to be praying for: expanding export markets, an end to foreign debt and expansion of the manufacturing sector. Oh, and better performance from teachers as well – if God granted that one, we could forget the whole performance pay business. I can’t resist one-upping him there, and suggesting it might be better if we prayed for every Aussie kid to become a bright, eager, self-directed scholar and the whole issue of teacher pay would go away altogether – it wouldn’t matter what pittance teachers were paid, or what kind of monkeys you got for your peanuts, if the kids were really, really motivated to learn.

But why stop there? There are plenty of other things we could pray for – perhaps God could be persuaded to change the laws of chemistry and physics so that the whole issue of global warming will go away…

Enough from me. When you get down on your knees at bedtime tonight, what will you be asking God to do for this, his very own country?

Update: for some reason, the story has just broken again at NEWS.com.au and The Age. The silly bugger didn’t say it again, did he?

Advertisements
Tagged with: ,
Posted in Howardia, levity, politics, religion
40 comments on “While You're Down There…
  1. David Rubie says:

    Atheist that I am, if I thought praying for the removal of said stainless steel rat from the comfy confines of his gilded prime ministerial cage would work, I would weep, wail and self flagellate like Tony Abbott on speed.

  2. silkworm says:

    This is a political masterstroke that will surely unite Christians, Jews and Muslims. Pity that most of us are agnostic.

  3. Katz says:

    Mock on oh ye godless generation.

    Where is your curiosity?

    The govt could set up an experiment with the major faith groups praying in their own ways to their own gods for rain.

    The faith group that brings home the bacon (sorry Muslims, Hindus and Jews) will be declared the winner.

    (If the Muslims win, would Ratty withdraw from the Coalition of the Willing?)

  4. steve says:

    Probably best if he opens his cheque book and actually spends some money solving the problems instead of praying for rain or inspiration.

    The line to God must be congested anyway with all his supporters praying for a miracle to turn those stubborn polls around.

  5. Maybe we could do a deal with the Catholic church to get all the parishoners to ask, in their prayers, the recently-departed JPII to send us some rain.

    They need a second miracle to get him across the line as a fully-fledged saint.

    But then again, they’ll probably do what they usually do when they’re short of a miracle for some well-connected soul: get enough Catholics with cancer to pray and ask the individual concerned for help, and when one of them gets lucky and undergoes a spontaneous remission that’ll do for their miracle.

  6. Pavlov's Cat says:

    I think a big national co-ordinated collective nationally televised rain dance would be much more fun, and much more interesting to watch.

  7. anthony says:

    Enter sand,
    man.

  8. silkworm says:

    What will be the Christian Left’s response to this political challenge?

  9. BeeF says:

    Steve – the PM has already opened his chequebook and written a cheque for $10B to try to fix the Murray / Darling. It is only the Victorian Labor Government that is stopping it being spent and they have no better ideas. Maybe you should keep up with current events.

  10. Katz says:

    Alternatively, Australia could cement its relationship with the booming China by recognising that this drought is powerful evidence for the proposition that Ratty has lost the Mandate of Heaven.

    Customarily, Chinese emperors were removed from the throne when the gods expressed their displeasure by means of anomolous weather.

    Ratty has been PM for ten years.

    And this is a ten-year drought.

    Coincidence … or not.

  11. silkworm says:

    There is a simple way to get the job done. The government should give a hefty grant to Hillsong Church to pray on behelf of the rest of us. They have the numbers and the experience.

  12. Paul Norton says:

    One alternative would be to enlist some Druids to ritually incinerate a greenhouse denialist every day whilst dancing around naked daubed with blue woad drinking very strong mead, until the rain comes.

  13. professor rat says:

    I like the way Horsham district wopersyns pray for rain and I would love to see the end of the reign of the wicked King John but who but the MESSIAH himself has promised to keep funding Anglican and Catholic madrasses?
    Got to have more private firing practise ranges for Gods sake?

    Got to get rid of BOTH major parties for fucks sake.

  14. silkworm says:

    All you cynics should pull your heads in. Prayer has been scientifically proven to work…

    http://www.news.harvard.edu/gazette/daily/2006/03/30-prayer.html

  15. professor rat says:

    Pray for Reyne – ‘ Fall of Rome’ and ‘ Hammerhead’

  16. Andrew E says:

    Every time the troops go overseas, Howard puts them in his prayers. When he’s expressing condolences, he prays for the families of the bereaved. By using language like this he gets to evangelical voters over the heads of their “leaders”, and creates an impression that he’s one of them when he isn’t really.

    Tony Abbott does the same thing: when people realise that he does more to promote abortions, IVF, stem cell research etc. than anyone else, he goes all Captain Catholic in his rhetoric. You’ll stop laughing when you realise how effective it is.

    There are few less grateful lobbyists than the churches. O for a Liberal machine chieftain who will stand up and say: look at where you are today, look at where you were in 1996, NOW F*CK OFF AND BE GRATEFUL THAT TEH DREADED GODLESS SOCIALISTS AREN’T SWEEPING TO POWER ACROSS THE LAND, SO GIVE US YOUR PREFERENCES AND SHUT UP.

  17. he government should give a hefty grant to Hillsong Church to pray on behelf of the rest of us. They have the numbers and the experience.

    Problem is that they’ll end up using most of the funding on administration and coffee at Gloria Jeans and it’ll have to be removed on scrutiny.

  18. steve says:

    Beef, the $i0 Billion wasn’t a solution and wasn’t even taken to cabinet. Howard might have thought it was an answer to a prayer but it looks more like a millstone around his neck.

  19. Gorgeous G says:

    I would prey on for teh weak and infirm.

  20. Pavlov's Cat says:

    Steve – the PM has already opened his chequebook and written a cheque for $10B to try to fix the Murray / Darling.

    “His” chequebook?

    Um, BeeF, you do understand that that wasn’t Howard’s own personal money, don’t you …?

  21. PC,
    I think you should direct that to “Steve”, PC – he came up with the “his chequebook” bit first.
    No politician will spend their own, personal money on things like this when they can just tax the rest of us and then spend that money and gain the plaudits for doing so. That is the whole rationale behind government spending.
    Perhaps we should all pray for government spending to be cut to only the areas where it can be proven to do some actual good. That would mean that tax might drop by a lot more than $10b.

  22. swio says:

    I am so relieved. I was beginning to worry about the prime minister’s lack of serious environmental policies.

  23. Lang Mack says:

    Beef, no he hasn’t and if you believe anything he says, well mate, I like your courage but….

  24. dj says:

    I am praying for the Rapture, because I am Rapture Readytm

  25. Cortexvortex says:

    I think this is a response to the the christian morality talked about by Kevin. With Latham, Howard was suddenly on the floor with toddlers at a daycare centre.

    This time he is donning the collar – expect more religious quotes!

  26. I’ve had second thoughts on the global warming thing. First, we should ask God to turn all our nasty, dirty old coal into nice clean uranium. Once we get that sorted, a little tweaking of the laws of nuclear physics ought to be enough to see us rolling in the green folding stuff for a couple of centuries.

  27. steve says:

    Easier to get the Howard supporters to cry us a river of crocodile tears, that should be easily arranged.

  28. Ah, but think of the greenhouse emissions that would result from bussing them all up to the headwaters of the Murray Darling!

    Then there’s the salinity issue, tears being notoriously salty.

  29. Peter Kemp says:

    A definition of “to prayâ€? by Ambrose Bierce which I posted on another thread:

    To ask the laws of the universe to be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

    Silkworm in support of your link and Katz re

    The govt could set up an experiment with the major faith groups praying in their own ways to their own gods for rain.

    The Discovery Institute (the IDiot people) funded a similiar experiment ($2.4 million) ” on the recovery of people who were undergoing heart surgery.”
    http://www.nytimes.com/2006/03/31/health/31pray.html?ex=1301461200&en=4acf338be4900000&ei=5088

    …patients who knew they were being prayed for had a higher rate of post-operative complications like abnormal heart rhythms, perhaps because of the expectations the prayers created, the researchers suggested.

    But at the end of the day:

    Analyzing complications in the 30 days after the operations, the researchers found no differences between those patients who were prayed for and those who were not.

    But supposing prayers to the invisible man in the sky worked, I’d go for Rowan Atkinson’s version of hell with Howard literally mired in hellish sewage up to his nostrils and Old Nick cruising by

    —-on waterskis.

  30. steve says:

    Maybe the faithful could just pray for this pair to get their act together or just give up and admit they have no idea.

  31. The Devil Drink says:

    Dear God.
    Put the lime in the coconut,
    Drink ’em both up.
    You put the lime in the coconut,
    Drink ’em both up.
    You put the lime in the coconut,
    Drink ’em both up, etc.

  32. steve says:

    Can we get a refund on the cost of setting up the free trade agreement with the United States? Seems like the Howard Government has failed dismally in that area too.
    Free equals $280 000 in Howardspeak

  33. I’ve made up my mind for tonight’s prayer at least. If God grants it, every Australian citizen, regardless of race, colour or creed, will wake up tomorrow to find that they’ve turned into staunch Methodists of proudly English descent.

    We’ll all have dads who ran their own suburban garages, and granddads who were the nominal owners of coffee plantations in New Guinea too.

  34. zebbidie says:


    But supposing prayers to the invisible man in the sky worked, I’d go for Rowan Atkinson’s version of hell with Howard literally mired in hellish sewage up to his nostrils and Old Nick cruising by

    —-on waterskis.

    Rowan Atkinson! You ignorant whippersnapper – I heard Dave Allen tell that one when I were a lad.

  35. David Rubie says:

    Actually, there’s something else to pray for. We should pray that another Tampa like travesty arrives. That way, when all the RWDB’s collectively wet themselves, we can collect the moisture and fix the drought.

  36. Interesting idea, David, but that salinity issue comes up again.

    Still, all that nitrogen in the urea is a valuable plant nutrient.

  37. David Rubie says:

    Gummo Trotsky wrote:
    Interesting idea, David, but that salinity issue comes up again.
    Ah bugger. Perhaps we can also pray for their rubber sheets to turn into micro-membranes so that when it drips through the mattress it’s already been desalinated? On second thought, ew!

  38. Peter Kemp says:

    My “prayer” (speaking of Dave Allen)
    John Howard is booted out of office and in a moment of despair decides to visit Ireland as a poor man seeking redemption among the Irish “battlers” and farmers, hitch hiking wherever he goes.

    He hitches a ride with some impoverished farmer on a cart, going to market with produce and animals.

    A double decker bus comes around a hidden corner and smashes into the cart. The farmer is uninjured, pulls himself out of the wreckage, hauls out a shotgun and starts shooting all his injured animals. “That duck’s f#####; (bang); that pig’s rooted (bang) etc etc.

    He turns around to Johnny boy lying in the gutter with a busted leg, broken ribs, multiple contusions etc etc.

    “And how are you feeling m’boy?”

    “I’ve never felt better in my life.”

  39. Mindy says:

    I think JH is out of touch. Most of the Christians I know have already been praying for rain for quite a while now.

Comments are closed.

  • An error has occurred; the feed is probably down. Try again later.
%d bloggers like this: